i seem to be the prime sounding board this week. Two friends confided their relationship troubles to me, and it's driving me crazy.

One confessed that he has developed feelings for someone whom he's gotten to know, and is getting bored of his current marathon of a relationship. He's looking for answers, and I tried to offer some suggestions. Well, I hope he manages to make the right decision, whatever it is.

The other broke up with her boyfriend some months ago, but is still unable to grapple with it. Obviously, the breakup wasn't initiated by her. But up till today, she still hopes that some way somehow, the relationship can be reconciled. However, it seems like an impossibility as far as both of them are concerned. However, her obstinate self refuses to give in and move on.

What is it about human nature that makes us thrive on feeding our indulgences? That what we rationally know to be good for us is oftentimes not what we end up doing, simply because we like the thrill of the chase, or we enjoy wallowing in self-pity and darkness. I am all too familiar with both situations of my friends, and the solutions I offered them were rational, a tad harsh, and most of all, detached. I realise it's so much easier being on my side of the fence. Sometimes I don't know what's the best thing a listening ear can do for a troubled soul. I myself hate it when the harsh truth is delivered to me, because I don't like facing the truth. I prefer to know that it's there, but choose to ignore its existence, tucking it into the dark abyss of my brain. How is it that I persist in delivering the hard facts to my friends then? Is it because I'm so big-headed that I think my solutions are their saving grace? That this wise sage here knows it all and knows what's best for them? Again, that damned high horse.

Gerroff, gerroff.

I spent the day alone today, save for my classmates during dance class.

And I spent a great big chunk of the day thinking about the teacher whom I mentioned in an earlier post. It appears that I miss him. I just kept hoping that I'd bump into him around the corner, and I was fervently looking around the busy streets as I waited for time to pass. I don't know what I was trying to achieve by hoping so. What was I gonna say to him? Perhaps I just wanted to see how he was doing. Whether he was married. Whether he had any kids. After all, he IS a good decade older than me.

It all started when I realised that he stays (or used to stay) very near to where I now work. And it constantly bugged me that I could very possibly bump into him if he still lived around there. And since then, I've been thinking about him.

Is this me not being able to let go of a first love? WAS he my first love? I remember him asking me if I would mind getting married early.. and what was the earliest that I would consider marriage. It sounded like he was almost serious about me.

Just thinking about him made my heart rate accelerate for most of today. Even Dimitri doesn't evoke such a physiological response in me any more. 

Sigh... I've gotta sort myself out man.  

I am alone. I feel alone.

My days are filled with loneliness. I have no colleagues. I have few friends. I have loads of free time, and no one to spend it with. I end up spending my days sleeping away, because I have so much time, and no money to spend spending it outside, and no friends to spend it with.

I am lonely.

I took the tube for the first time in a long while today. And suddenly, I thought of someone from my past who has somehow managed to surface in my thoughts quite frequently, despite having lost contact for close to ten years. This person was my teacher from an enrichment class which I took in high school, and we actually dated briefly. Well, to me it was dating. To him, it could've simply been a novel entertainment. I don't know, but I'd like to think I meant something to him for those few months.

I had bumped into him a few times during my college days snce we 'broke up' when I was 15. And once was at the tube station, where he worked nearby, and I was taking a train back home. So naturally, at the tube station, my thoughts drifted to him and the possibility of meeting him again.

I fell asleep on the train with this thought in mind. And when I awoke, I saw someone who looked remarkably like him sitting beside me. For a moment, I seriously thought it was him. And for a while, I kept hoping that he would look up at me. Upon closer inspection, I then realised that it wasn't him after all. I had gotten all jittery for nothing.

I don't know what this means, my regular thoughts of him. Perhaps it's cuz he was my first 'real' relationship, if you could call it that. And because of this, he'll always have a special place in my heart.

I do wish I could see him again. To what end, I dunno. Perhaps just to see how he's doing.

let's face it. all i really want is a life of a wastrel. i hate to work. i work for the money. i work for the fact that this job allows me so much free time to waste my life away, and for the fact that it pays relatively well compared to the number of hours i work. i'm lazy, and i don't exactly pursue the fervent desire and drive to improve my art and to improve my standard of proficiency. what the hell am i doing? what do i think i can achieve by doing this? it's not like i can just get married and become a housewife. if dimitri were really my future husband, then it's highly unlikely anytime soon that we can become a single-income family, given the high standard of living here and low income scale.

and yet, i just don't have that drive. i'm always 'winging it' when i go to work. i mean, i think i'm still better than the others, and what i need to impart is still of value to them. but what happens when they improve and then i won't be much of a value-add?

plus i'm scared of criticism. i don't take it well. that's why i shy away from responsibility. for fear of being criticised for taking a step in the wrong direction. i'm also afraid to show my weakness to others, for fear of them finding out that i'm a fraud. am i a fraud?

i'm also afraid of working hard. or i'm just plain lazy. that's probably why i quit my last job. because i was afraid of the next level that they were preparing me for. that i wouldn't be able to do it. and that i just didn't have the passion to do whatever it took to make it. i don't know whether it's just a lack of passion for that particular trade, or whether it's a general lack of passion for work. i've always abhorred working, and wished that i didn't have to. perhaps i should go back to school. but i also hate studying.

why am i on this earth? i have no reason to live. i don't deserve to live.

Luc called me on my cell this evening when I was in the car with Dimitri. In a state of panic, I pretended that I couldn't hear the other party, and hung up the phone. But I was too late. Luc was saying 'hello' and Dimitri heard. So when I said that I didn't know who it was and couldn't hear the other party, Dimitri said "but there was a guy", to which I just told him that initially there wasn't anyone. But I think by then, Dimitri had heard Luc. The way back, Dimitri was quieter than earlier, but he tried to act as if nothing was wrong. Perhaps he was waiting for me to own up.

I feel guilty as hell. I wanted to come clean, but I just didn't know how to. I acted badly.

This is bad.

Things that Dimitri does that irritates me:

1. He constantly acts like he's broke
2. Cracking lame jokes
3. Being overly argumentative, all the time
4. He can be insensitive

Things that Dimitri does that makes him special:

1. He has a good heart.
2. Is filial to his parents.
3. He's not chauvinistic
4. Is civic-minded and caring

To be continued.

i'm just not feeling it. and it's not even about Luc anymore. He's gone, out of my life, and sometimes even out of my thoughts. I mean, I still look for him whenever I log on to IM, but that's about it. It doesn't even really matter if he doesn't send me a message.

i'm talking about my feelings towards Dimitri. i just don't feel any passion towards him these days. i don't know if this is a phase (God I hope it is!) but I'm seriously beginning to wonder if I really love him.

We've been hanging out with friends and family a lot recently; a lot more than we're spending time alone, and I'm actually fine with it. In fact, I feel more comfortable not being alone with him, because when I'm with him, I don't know what to talk about anymore. All he keeps harping on is that I need to find something to occupy my time outside of my "slacker" job, that I should exercise more, and how he can make millions in the next 10 years. I know he means well, but it's getting really tiresome. And he does it in front of our friends too! Like, fuck off and leave me alone..

Yes. It's true. I adore attention (male or female) and enjoy being right-smack in the center of it. I love being photographed, looking at photos of myself, and being told that I look good. On the streets, I'm constantly checking to see if people are looking at me, and I pay extra attention to making sure I look like a million bucks (or as close) in order to win those glances. 

Which brings me back to Luc. I think I'm enjoying the attention more than I'm enjoying the company. I love the fact that someone thinks the world of me. Which is also why I love dancing. Because people will check other people out on the dancefloor. Plus I know I don't look half-bad on the floor. Which is also probably why I don't have many female friends. Because I don't like the competition.

Narcissism? Or Insecurity?

i'm such a hopeless romantic. since young, i've loved pretending to be a princess/peasant/girl-next-door who meets the perfect, romantic, chivalrous guy. and i think i still dream that dream today.

everytime i watch a romantic comedy, such as kate and leopold, or pretty woman, or you've got mail, i long for a day when my dream guy would do the same for me. i get sucked into the fiction of the show and wish i were the lucky female protagonist.

which is probably why i'm not feeling the way i do towards luc. because he's given me something to be excited about, and something to look forward to; something i haven't really felt in years and years. that's the thing with really long-term relationships - they tend to lose the spark and pizzaz of new, young love. suddenly i'm transformed back into a girl who's swept off her feet.

i know this feeling is bound to dissipate with time, and romance will eventually be replaced by mutual comfort and comfortable love. but it's sad, don't you think? who dictates that time has to sweep away all that is electrifying, all that is passionate, all that is intense? does the fact that time succeeds in doing so mean that the relationship is doomed? what if i can't live with merely a comfortable relationship? i miss the flutter in my heart when i see him log on, or see his number on my caller-id. but i know this can't last, as we become more familiar. am i destined to be a lonesome butterfly, only flitting from flower to flower, but never settling down?

i think i'm in love with love.